I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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