checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
