I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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