As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
