i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
