I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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