I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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