Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
