I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize