listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
