tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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