I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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