Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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