The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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