if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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