We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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