how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
