dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
