some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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