So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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