There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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