i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All I want is dick and wine.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
