i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
