There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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