so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
