Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
