i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
