I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
