Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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