The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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