im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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