Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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