Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
