i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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