My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
