he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
