The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
don't judge my taste in strippers
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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