Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want her autograph on my taint
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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