my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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