I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
