Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
