I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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