My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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