call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
