Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
