Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
