Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
