tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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