the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
