I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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