His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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