its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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