remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
