My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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