Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
