She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
