Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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