Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
